I am scared of each outcome of every situation, I am scared of abandonment. I am scared of my loved ones never coming back for me. All of these fears have been created in my childhood. Everytime I have been put in my room in a crib and my mother went away. Everytime I woke up and she wasn’t there. They thought that keeping me always by her side would make me a “mommy girl” unable to be independent, when in fact it made me horrified of abandonment. When I got lost in Italy by the age of five, It created a distrust in others and the doubt of my parents being able to take care of me. I started to be scared every time I found myself alone. I created a massive sense of co-dependency to my mother. I asked her permissions of everything, it gave her the power to rule me, to never let me make my own choices, even tho I knew exactly what I wanted, she told me that is not the right thing to want. That I had to act small, I had to fit in society by my choices and lifestyle, I had to listen. I had to listen to what the men world and her world was saying. She lost her hearing for her wild spirit, if she ever had any. I was the dreamer, huge dreamer, silly dreamer with “too much” of an imagination that wouldn’t fit into this World.
When I used to dream about being in a band I would always be “just” the rhythm guitarist in my visions, not the front-woman. But the spirit said: dear child you, you are the front-woman, you are the voice, even tho you might be soft spoken, your soul is loud. It calls the wild, it calls the dreamers.
So now whenever I write new song, I start it by saying: “my momma told me.” She might be the dark feminine, the shadow of the soul that is expressing in a way for me to open up the chakras and show up to World. It has been a soul contract among us, between us. Everything worked out perfectly the way it should. There are no mistakes in this life, only lessons and repeating patterns. Life is about learning, teaching and being in a alignment. And if you choose otherwise that is completely fine. Completely out of balance is fine as well. Everything is in a divine dance of the cosmos. Me as s writer, it is not Nikola that is writing this right now, it comes from the higher spirit of me. Of Amishka from Pleiades, from my Pleiadians friends that are holding me.
I am sitting in a coffee shop, people are walking around and laughing, but are we really here? No. It is a game. Matrix. Literally. You can disconnect out of the game if you want and enter it once in a while, OR you can upgrade and go up high in higher dimension. Nothing is impossible. Just to remember that. Nothing in this universe is impossible. Limits do not exist. You are the creator of your reality.